sunset

hello~. 

hung out with some of my old friends today. we haven't really hung out or even talked much since elementary school, so it was interesting. everyone changed so much. it's so bittersweet.

we went bowling and then got lunch, and hung out at a park for a bit. i took a bunch of pictures as well. it seems to be something i'm getting into-- taking pictures of things, i mean. i was never really one for doing so, but as my adolescence comes to a close, i realize there's so many memories i can keep if i just push a button.

admittedly, i was sort of distant with them. i stayed out of most of the second round of bowling and stayed behind most of the time to watch the food when we went to the park. but that's how things are. it seemed they still had a great time, and i did too.

anyway. what am i gonna do now...

sotd: what's new scooby doo by simple plan

fun, fun, fun

remember that event i talked about the day before? well, i went to watch the sunrise with my friends. the final day of august, finally letting go of the summer and entering our final year where we are. the final year of a routine we've known for more than ten years. though it was cloudy, and we couldn't see the sun, i still had a great time.

other than that, it was a pretty average friday. i learned about orbitals and the orbital blocks, and about quantum numbers. i got a lot of homework for the weekend, but i was able to complete some of it before the school day was over. i just wanna rest and watch more gokusen ii this weekend.......... yabuki hayato needs to be my boyfriend yesterday!!! or should he? i'm not entirely sure if he'd be a good boyfriend, as much as i love him. would we be compatible? hmmmm................... a potato can dream~

also, i talked more with my mother about sewing dolls (she sews really well, used to study fashion). we have fabric to start making them! we have to wash it first, but i'm so excited to try... except for that i lost the proofs i made. ugh!!! i better find them or else i might cry doing them again. i wanna make a yabuki doll!!!

my next dessert ideas are pretty much also set. i'm gonna try making pandan bibingka in september, then pumpkin cake in october, and maybe ginataang in november? i've been wanting to bake them for a while, so hopefully i can fulfill those goals~

anyway. i need a nappppp............

sotd: desperate run from dynasty warriors 8 (shin sangokumusou 7)

my love is...

deep sighs. i gotta get up super early tomorrow for an event, so i'm trying my hardest not to take a nap right now. but my bed, my sleep... i love it too much... no!!! i mustn't!!!

i know i've been saying this way too often, but i'm once more thinking about what subjects i want to pursue later. in my other classes today, i found myself wishing i was in an english class. not just my english class, the specific period i had it, but just an english class in general. the atmosphere of english classes are always so comforting to me (even when i have to give anxiety- and -tear-inducing presentations or speeches). they're always warm and bright, they have their own little libraries. and the teachers are always nice (at least, in my experience and at my school). when i leave, i will miss it deeply.

so then, someone would say, "well, since you love english so much, why don't you go into it in college/career?"

that's... my entire problem. what if i do way too much of it in college/career, and end up hating it? if i hated writing, or hit another block and broke my brain like i did in middle school, i wouldn't know what to do. but... it's what fuels me. it's what fills my heart with warmth and excitement. it makes me so happy.

well. i guess we'll figure out those hurdles when we get there.

sotd: dahlia by (g)-idle

upd8

i updated my spacehey layout today, for the first time in monthssss. i wanted to play around with gif backgrounds and having it blend into the page itself, so figuring that out was fun. i think it looks nice, though i'm not sure what song will go best with it? i thought of having "stay" by nell, and it fits really well, but i dunno... and on top of that, i wanna add more stamps and cute pics... hmmmm... what should i add................

is there too much akanishi? if so, then i don't mind changing back to the discs. but i dunno, it feels nice to have a little change in my layout for once. it feels fresh. 

orisinal

there's this one core part of my internet experience i barely see anyone talk about. no one in my life knows about it except for my mother (she introduced me to it), and even online, there's barely any talk of it anywhere. the most i can find are on the soundtracks...

orisinal, by ferry halim. a collection of small flash games, with charming little characters and simple challenges (actually i lie, some of them were hard). also some of the cutest little songs i ever heard, and beautiful background art. it was a calm corner of the internet, somewhere i'd go if i was bored and wanted to stimulate my puzzle-loving brain a little. my favorite was the one with the cows (i always started laughing when it started, and my mother could never understand why), though i also loved a daily cup of tea and sunny day sky.

another part of it i learned to love as i grew older was rain. that's it. rain. it was a simple sidewalk photo with rain falling in the background, and a soft guitar melody playing on repeat. i used to listen to it while doing daily reading. having it in the background made time pass so quickly, and so gently.

anyway. of course, with the end of flash came the end of orisinal. to be honest, that was probably the only flash...thing(?) that made me sad. it was so small, a comforting corner of the internet that was easy to love.

though, as flash emulators and similar software become more widespread, i see some have returned to the internet. it's not really the same, not on the site it called home, but it's close. 

it is well-appreciated. something i tend to notice as i do my scouring for old idol stuff and blog graphics is that so little of them remain. they've been lost to the internet void, not unlike old photos lost in a home fire. i think that's sad, really. there are so many things that will never be seen again, though they could easily connect across countries and times. but that is how the internet grew.

as the internet continues to develop, what will be lost? what will be kept? i wonder if this little corner will be kept safe. all my photos, my thoughts.

if it does not remain here, at least i can hold it close to my heart.

omg

omgomgomg, so. i often like to look at my blog after i upload a post (or more), just because seeing it in the fancy layout and everything makes me so happy. 

i add titles to all my photos, as a little treat for when you hover over them. they're like easter eggs! but for my thoughts! (which are probably boring, but still). 

but, when you click on them... for some, they lead to another part of the site where the playlist still plays??? in the same tab??? it's so crazy, i can't believe it. 

anyway. i was just really excited about it.

ummm!!!

i'm so sorry, but this photo... it makes me think of a photo someone would stumble across in a supernatural/horror movie...

ok, ok, ok get this. as a college student, you move into some off-campus housing because they ran out of space. couldn't go back home, as you were way too far to commute, so you pooled together some money to move in as a roommate with a couple guys who were advertising. they go to the college as well, supposedly. at least, that's what it says in the ad.

you move in. they seem nice enough, but not to the point of discomfort. your room is clean, furnished with the basics. there's enough sustenance for the three of you. but, with college costs and rent, where does it all come from? perhaps they're just rich.

as you spend more time at school and around town, you notice people like to whisper. you're that girl who moved into the haunted house. you're in danger. the hunter's moon will rise soon. how long will you last?

surely they're wrong. but now that you thought about it, you can't remember much about the boys you live with. you've talked with them much, but they tend to dodge quite a few questions. just who were they?

nervous, you poke around in their belongings. it was wrong, you knew, but the whispers wouldn't stop nagging at you. you find the photo. it must be recent, seeming as they look pretty much the same...

ten years ago. the photo was taken ten years ago.

this must be a mistake. how could they look as they did then, ten years later? how could they be in the same place, same study, same personalities?

the door clicks behind you.

differentiation

hello~ it's eugene, back again~ i learned about spectroscopy today, and my class got to use the machine! it's pretty cool, though it has so many steps to its usage.

i watched more gokusen ii last night, probably will today as well? or tomorrow? i wish i had someone to talk about it with, i'm enjoying it so much. it makes me so happy. and i love yabuki, teehee~ part of me wonders what it would be like to have him as a boyfriend, but at the same time i don't think i really wanna know? he's such a huge sweetheart (and so pretty) but still-- 

anyway. i'm chilling for now. i'm not feeling super well physically? like, something's going on, but i don't know what. i haven't been deviating from my normal day-to-day schedule... hm...

sotd: stay by nell (i think this would blend well with care........ <333)

ditto

a trope i've never written yet always wondered about writing is time travel. out of all plotlines, it seems the hardest to execute, at least to me.

first off: is time travel due to a technological advancement or is it magical? and if so, what are the rules? what can it do (aside from the obvious), what can it not do? what are the dangers one should be aware of before engaging in it? how was it created/found out? 

second off: time paradoxes. how can the protagonist engage with the world without screwing something up? many lies, for one. and then having to keep that up. such would probably be a fun conflict-- trying not to lose themselves in a "different" world and identity. 

third off: relationships. how can the protagonist form relationships then, without feeling so awkward about the idea of it reflecting into the future? letting go would probably be a core theme of the story, so ultimately they would end. but what if the protagonist stays in largely the same place, and then they meet later...??? does magic just do its work, and they think it's a coincidence? i mean, if we add the false identity from above, then it would probably work... maybe...?

anyway. just wondering. a time travel story idea has been rattling around in my brain for a couple of days now, but as it's so new to me, i don't know how i'd go about it. it's actually quite daunting to me. seems so complicated. perhaps i should look for more time travel media. might be fun.

sweetheart

hello! back to our regular schedule~ today was a pretty normal day, though almost woke up late. i seem to be returning to my melancholy again, which is okay. i had a lot of cool story ideas the other day, so maybe i'll take advantage of my strange emotional state and start to chip away at them? as i said, i don't like that my writing is constrained in such a way, but...

picking up on a past string from last night, i've still been thinking about the passage of time. i know my life, but i can never truly know another's. another can never truly know mine. where will i be, five years from now? ten? twenty? where will my friends be, who will my friends be? where will my family be? what will i be doing? will i feel fulfilled? at the threshold, i don't know how to feel.

high school really puts a lot of pressure on you to think about these things, to plan them down to the tiniest detail, even figure out a plan b or plan c. but that could never be useful. we don't know who we are yet. and they couldn't know. how could they? 

i promise i'm not as depressing in real life, haha. my thoughts just tend to skew that way.

sotd: care by akanishi jin <333

mercy

oh my cod, hello! i'm so sorry it's so late. today, i'd like to talk about another strangely defined genre i like. 

so, a few songs i'd like to highlight are:

- onerepublic: mercy, prodigal
- the script: the man who can't be moved
- parachute: the mess i made, kiss me slowly
- the fray: absolute, trust me, never say never, where the story ends
- lifehouse: whatever it takes
- lovedrug: castling

similar to my last post about music genres, this one also has deep nostalgia tied to it, and old blogs. there's something very youthful about these songs, perhaps its the angst? it connects to my angsty little heart, at least. most of these songs involve the singer reflecting on themselves, the pain they've caused or felt, and how they've been forgiven. a lot of them also involve religion, but i'd really rather not talk about that.

when i close my eyes while listening to these songs, i think of someone going on an adventure. maybe they're running away, maybe they're on their own for the first time in their lives. maybe they're going to join the ones they love across the country, from a long-distance relationship to short. everything's either in warm, golden hour hues, or completely cold. 

i also tend to connect these songs to a certain type of old blog. the types of blogs that have oversaturated photos from their day, showing their outfits and writing little bits of poetry. they're simple, in their own world just like those in the other special genre i talked about. 

i guess this just goes to show how people can connect over times, and you realize every life really is that. life. everyone has moved through time and space. everyone has grown in one way or another. everyone has things they left behind and things they keep. everyone loves. everyone cries. it's beautiful, when i think about it long enough.

i believe there's a specific word for it? don't remember what it is, though.

goodnight.

sotd: prodigal by onerepublic

sob

the way i see it, and the way i've been thinking about it for a while... people (at least, in my experience/life) are very wrong about crying.

in my experience/life, people view crying as immature and weak. i don't think that could be any further from the truth. other methods i've witnessed instead of crying range from taking anger out on items, to yelling, to doing reckless things. how is that any less immature? in fact, how is that not more immature? it's not productive. it achieves nothing.

isn't crying a healthy release of emotions? the tears fall, and so does the weight on your shoulders (at least temporarily). it was programmed into our dna, as a response. it's the very first mechanism we have, the one surefire way to know and acknowledge things aren't okay. why should it be villainized? is it because of its connection to childhood or infancy? is that why it is seen as immature? as weak? 

once again, i don't think this could possibly be the case. i think crying is a sign of strength. one is able to recognize the pain in their lives, the hurt they feel in the moment and the fact that no, not everything is alright. it doesn't hurt anyone. trying to stamp that response out only leads to people holding everything in until a violent release, especially in youth as they may not have formed other healthy coping mechanisms. it leads to them not having trust in and isolation from the people around them-- how could they be loved if they feel certain ways? they must hide it...

these things should be unlearned. not only by one, but by many. we should grow.

if only.

these are just my thoughts.

goodnight. (here's an extra song, which i consider very comforting.)

su su su supernova

"nova! can't stop, hyperstellar~"

i don't really listen to aespa much, but this is such a fun song. i can't help but put it on repeat once it pops up in my recommended. it's so spacey and futuristic, but also totally classic? probs because i already listen to a lot of sm artists, so it feels more familiar. i also really wanna learn the dance break, lolz. 

the sad writer trope

hello! it's the start of a new week. to be honest, i don't like sundays, so... i'll get right into it.

whenever i have a huge writing boost (especially in quality), it coincides with me feeling hopeless, lonely, or just... sad. i don't know what makes it so, i used to write as a kid all the time, regardless of mood. and when i'm happy, i don't feel so motivated. it sucks. i love writing, but i don't want to sacrifice my mental health to write something i'm proud of.

even now, i'm happy. and yet... it's hard for me to string good sentences together. don't get me wrong, i have ideas and scenes playing out in my head as always, but it's like there's a barrier between me and the keyboard. just what is this?

anyway. hopefully school goes well tomorrow, and for the rest of the week. tbh, i feel as if i made a mistake in my ta period, but we'll see. i don't want to be a coward. i must fulfill what i said i would.

sotd: love dive by ive

wait, they don't love you like i love you

despite the desperation of the lyrics and the context of this song, it really warms my heart. there's something just so comforting in its simplicity, in the repetition of it. i can imagine a call between long-distance lovers, or cuddles under covers during a storm. resting your head on someone's shoulder during a long ride.

at night, it lulls me into sleep...

goodnight.

the only exception

i have this one playlist on spotify called the blogger love life. it's basically a collection of nostalgic love songs. i used to listen to it a whole bunch when i first made it, daydreaming about falling in love and being in a healthy, fluffy relationship. i think i mentioned this before, in my post about genres about writing.

and this is probably a repeated statement as well, but, i don't have those daydreams anymore. i still have this sort of longing that i explore in other characters, about being in such, but there's no butterflies to go with it anymore. instead, there's this sense of...relief? or hollow comfort? looking from above, while this is an entire world i have created, it's not like i'm in it. (and considering what i put my characters and their world in, i think that's for the better.)

it's probably just where i am right now, but i'm jaded towards the idea. for someone like myself, i don't think it's truly possible. i'd love to share the world with someone truly special; in a way that's so deep, and understanding, and caring, and gentle, and soft, that makes going through life feels at least a little easier. in connection, there is so much more. there is so much to share. there is so much i'd love to share and show, but would anyone truly feel that way about me?

i know being in a relationship doesn't define my self-worth, but damn, it's hard to not care when it's marketed in every aspect of media. it's hard when you see it around you. treating youth as if it's the best thing in the world and it only goes downhill after you graduate. wondering if there's something wrong with you because you're life doesn't look like it does in shows or books, or reflected in your peers.

but at the same time, it's... so strange. there's so much beyond adolescence. and there's so many connections beyond romantic. romance alone doesn't fill a void. as much as it may hurt, there is still so much to enjoy, there is still so much to look forward to. there is still so much to share and care for. there is still so much to love.

right now, i'm trying to pry myself away from it. pry myself away from the shadows of what i've internalized over many years of insecurity and loneliness. if i'm to truly disconnect from these "expectations", then i must pour love back into myself. so much love, that nothing else will matter. i will be happy. i will have friends, family, i will have hobbies and fill my days with wonderful activities. 

one day, this nagging will release me. one day, but not today, not tomorrow. perhaps one day-- not today, not tomorrow-- i may fall in love. but it will not be everything. it will not be out of or tainted by fear, or anxiety, or pain, because we already have so much of that in our world. it will be a love of joy and awe. a love of respect and loyalty and communication. 

it will be what little me dreamed of.

arts n crafts

i've never really been too good at doing artsy stuff with my hands, but i've always enjoyed it.

as of late, i've been wanting to return to sewing. i got a cute little book at a japanese bookstore a few years ago, detailing how to make little plush dolls. i've been wanting to try it for myself, make them with little button eyes and smiles, spiky felt hair, and clothes made from all the scraps of fabric my mother's kept over the years. sort of like my own lalaloopsies, which i used to love as a child.

however, the dolls seem to require a specific type of fabric that cannot be found at my main local fabric store. i could poke around for them in the area, but perhaps i could also try looking for a different type of fabric. after all, dolls can be made in all types of different ways with different fabrics. as long as there's love, they will be soft and cuddly~

romanticism

hello! i'm back~~~

my saturday was mostly pretty chill, but i was able to go out; and since i saved up some money, i got myself a cute dress. maybe i could wear it to one of the may school events i usually miss? hehehe. 

i'm also hoping to watch some more gokusen tonight, but now i'm having this feeling that, like... in anticipation, i'm so anxious that i can't watch it? and it's not anxious in a bad way, anxious in a good way. i just know that it's gonna take up my heart and time, so then i get scared. literally what's up with that??? in complete honesty, i need something to look forward to lmao.

part of me wishes i could make edits with the show, but i'd get too shy to even try >///< akanishi is too pretty!!! it's almost unreal...

sotd: lucky girl syndrome by illit

the squid games

i don't think i've talked about video games here yet? so, why not get into my #1 favorite of almost 9 yearssss..............

splatoon!!! i love splatoon!!! i already have a whole essay about it up on spacehey, but there's nothing wrong with another. unless i keep this short, then... it won't be an essay, lolz.

i don't entirely remember when i first found out about splatoon, but i vividly remember gobbling up every video about it i could find once i did. i was so absorbed in the gameplay, so fast-paced and intense, and the characters were nothing like i'd ever seen before. i loved each and every song, especially from hightide era. the entire concept, the story, was nothing i'd ever seen before. i found all the puns endearing. i wanted to partake in splatfests. i wanted to unlock cool gear and get lucky spyke rolls, i wanted to play it so badly. 

that wish was fulfilled in 2016, and my first splatfest was the pokémon red vs. blue splatfest. i was on team blue, and i won my first splatfest. 

my main back then was the neo splash-o-matic, but i tried a whole bunch of other sets out at the time as well: slosher, krak-on roller, heavy splatling deco, n-zap '89... but the neo splash always came out on top. my stats back then were mainly speed-focused as well, though i did get a lucky roll on a shirt once, for all damage up. the base stat was special charge up, but i was still totally crazy about it.

then, splatoon 2! i think this is the game i played the most, and honestly, i think it was my peak. i even hit s+ rank in it. my main toggled between custom splat jr. and n-zap '83, both with ink storm, but totally different battle styles imho. my sets still had some speed stats in them, but i also put in a lot of ink-saving chunks, special charge up, and quick respawn. even, balanced, usually couldn't fail.

i don't have much to say about that story mode, it's pretty underwhelming compared to others in the series, but it was still a good time, i guess. octo expansion was a dream come true, with perfect difficulty and story. the music was beautiful as well.

lost finalfest, so then we ended up in a land of chaos for splatoon 3. honestly? i was sort of pumped, having a new game and new customization. the story and dlc are great, though they both lack a bit in terms of rewards for completion. for the longest time, the stages were so small i couldn't stand to play because it would just be instantaneous domination from either us or the enemy team. salmon run is salmon run. it's probably just me growing up, and probably just nostalgia goggles fogging up my eyesight, but i don't enjoy it as much as the past games? i'm not entirely sure why, but... yeah.

i'm still going to compete in this finalfest though, obviously. i've lost both so far, so losing/throwing the third would really hurt my ego, lolz... but at the end of the day it's still splatoon. i'll probably stay around regardless of what direction it takes.

goodnight.

cyber corner

hellos! this post is coming out super late lolz; this day was super tiring for me.

regarding the title, i'm not referring to this little blog, teehee! i'm actually referring to old k-pop, specifically late second gen, into early third. many songs from that time always had this strangely nostalgic electronic vibe to me, fusing old pop and futuristic synths beautifully. they're comforting, yet refreshing at the same time.

so, i'd like to provide a list of some of my fave songs from this era, with this vibe.

- boyfriend: not one, but two; don't touch my girl; more & more;
- b2st: i like you the best; bad girl; say no; fiction; 
- infinite: the chaser; come back again; man in love; cover girl; can u smile; be mine; nothing's over;
- after school: because of you; shampoo;
- kara: mr.; step; pandora; honey; 
- snsd: gee; oh; vitamin; run devil run; seoul;
- exo: literally the entire mama and xoxo albums
- 2ne1: hate you; (i just really love this song ok) 
- davichi: my man; 8282;
- mblaq: you're my +; one better day; g.o.o.d luv;
- u-kiss: can't live without you; stop girl; talk to me;
- taeyang: wedding dress; i need a girl; where u at;

obvi there's more artists and songs, but these are my top favorites!!!

sotd: nilili mambo by block b

daisies and baby's breath

i am very happy today! part of it is what happened yesterday, with gokusen ii. i'm only 1.5 episodes in, but it's already so good!!! i also got some interesting cookbooks at the library the other day, so maybe i'll try some recipes from them! i'm not as good at cooking as i am at baking, but i'll definitely try my hardest!

when i signed in to check out my blog today, i saw that the favicon finally loaded too!!! so now, all the personalization is set~ i'm ecstatic.

omg also, i have some fanfic ideas for gokusen ii! with vampires? an au? that's getting out of hand? sorta strange, but uh... yeah. it is what it is, teehee! it's a big pattern with me to try and think of vampire fics for things i like, i don't really know why? i know i had that whole blog post before, but like... it's really weird if i think about it too hard.

so, uh, yeah! today's so bright. i haven't gone home yet though, so... i'll try to keep my hopes up.

sotd: #menow by fromis_9

gokusen!!!

my gokusen ii dvds came in the mail today!!! watching them right now!!! my heart is beating so fast, i can't believe i actually get to!!! i'm so excited!!!

goodnight!!!

"quirky" music

bear with me, please!!! i know how that word is perceived nowadays, but i promise i have a reason for using it.

think early owl city, hellogoodbye, some music from homestuck. it's... a specific genre of electronic, but i don't know how else to explain it? it's sort of twinkly and whimsical and cute, and sounds like it comes from the stars on diy galaxy print shirts. if it had a scent, it'd smell like vanilla and sugar, maybe with a hint of wood? and when i listen to it, i'm reminded of surfing old pinterest for diys, sheldon the tiny dinosaur who thinks he's a turtle, and old converse. like, even though it's probably only my nostalgia speaking, is it really just called electronic???

not to mention, it's almost purely kept to the late 2000s and early 2010s. was it just because of the era? i'm barely able to find other music like it. 

and it's the most defining genre of my childhood, the most defining genre of my life overall! my music taste was built almost purely upon owl city's ocean eyes album, my imagination was defined by it, my personality formed between its melodies and lyrics. heck, when i was four, i memorized the lyrics (to the best of my kiddie ability) to the entire album, and i still remember them. i really wouldn't be who i was without owl city's music (only his music). for that, i'll always be grateful.

(btw, my favorite song of his is the saltwater room (ocean eyes version). always has been, probably always will be. i want to cuddle someone to it.)

cantaloupe and lychee

good afternoooon. it's already been a week since i started this blog! middle of the week, wednesday. we started a different schedule at school today, and it's not so bad. my difficult and easy courses are evenly split between both days... is that a good thing or bad thing? i don't really get a break, but they don't suck either.

as i continue to settle into this year, my mind is becoming at least a little clearer. in this final year, i have to think about what to do with my life outside of hs, right? (which is...crazy. who knows their entire life plan at seventeen??? anyway.) just by being in ap chem, i already feel a greater pull towards english. writing, as always.

it's not that i necessarily hate ap chem, i love learning chemistry and its concepts. but, actually doing physical experiments and working in groups stresses me out? i think it's because of all that could go wrong, and all that i should protect myself from. and then my scaredy-cat mind begins to wander. ack, what if i have a papercut i don't know of? what if my hand shakes and i drop the beaker? or test tube? what if i spill boiling hot solutions over the table and on myself? on my teammates? i could reason to myself that this is similar to baking and i have no reason to worry, but it's also not. i'm not working with copper ii sulfate when i bake in my home kitchen!

but, when it comes to this world, the sciences make more money, unless you get lucky. including all other things about who i am, the demographics i fit, could i truly be successful doing what i love? or would it have to be a side hustle?

actually, i don't like the idea of side hustles sometimes. at its most pervasive, it turns everything you love into a job, just to grind and make more money. feed into capitalistic dreams that are falling apart at the seams in this day and age. i don't want to write or bake and fall out of love with it because of how it conflicts with my main job, or because it's not making enough money to pay itself back. i just want to make people happy, damn it!

the work market is strange, at least as a kid. 

but, support local business. in a way, they are pushing against the creeping growth of corporations, serving the community in ways that truly matter. do what you love without worrying about how to make it practical and useful. it already has use-- to make you happy.

(wait... why did i title this cantaloupe--)

sotd: designer skyline by owl city

nature

though i've lived by the water all my life, i have an affinity for the forest. it's stunning, vast, yet just as dangerous as any other natural beauty. full of life, yet empty. you can't help but feel small in it, but the trees are old and calm. they shelter and hold life, just as they may shelter and hold you from the world.

i don't know when this love of the forest began. i'd never even truly been in one myself until a year ago. but i always saw them on the horizon, in movies and shows and books. so far away yet so close.

such love has only grown over the years, i think. maybe it's the idea of a place that i could escape to, hidden in plain sight. maybe it's all the greenery, signs that there still is space for growth in this planet despite all of humanity's intervention. however, it may only be a promise that though we can come and go like many other species before us, the planet will persist? it all depends on how you view it: coexistence or competition?

nevertheless, i wonder where i will live when i grow older. if i grow older. i want to. will i be the water as i always have, familiar and loving in its cool, salty winds? will i find myself in the forest, isolated yet surrounded by life? or will i be somewhere else entirely? at the end of the day, all i wish for is peace, comfort, and stability in the place i can call home.

goodnight.

gentle

before i broke the writing machine in my brain i wrote a lot of oneshots. they were usually fluffy, good times. in a lot of them, the mc had insecurities regarding their relationship/crush on the love interest, and then would be comforted, reflecting my own mindscape at the time.

now that i think about it, i suppose it shows growth that what i write is now beyond relationship insecurities? like, addressing my problems one by one. nowadays, it focuses more on interactions between parts of myself i feel ashamed or guilty for and the world, and general feelings of worth. there is still romance, but romantic insecurities are not the point of healing. i don't feel totally unlovable anymore, though i think i would still malfunction if someone confessed such feelings to me. 

anyway. i digress. perhaps i should return to writing oneshots? i'm not entirely ready to return to my bigger project yet or write a new one, but perhaps i could chip away at a few smaller ideas rattling around in my brain. instead of stretching out events, i could focus on really bringing a smaller part to life, or discern which details are most important in a timeskip.

despite writing them so much, i'm actually unsure if i could pull them off again. is that a sign of growth, or decay? 

om nom nom

another day down, 174 days remaining (in the school year). originally, my plan for this blog was to maintain it for only the school year (senior, haven't really done anything special with my life so why not do this???). but, i'm uh... already sort of out of ideas? but i really like doing this, sooooo... i'm gonna come up with stuff!!! i gotta!!!

hmmm, fun fact? ever since elementary school, i've loved back-to-school shopping. not for actually getting supplies, no, or getting stuff for my locker (which i barely even use). i loved back-to-school shopping because of all the pretty lunchboxes. all the different types of bento boxes, the different bags in their various shapes and patterns, utensil sets, thermoses... i loved looking at them all. i'd only get one or two new things though, which is understandable. they can be so expensive!!!

anyway. as you can probably tell, while i love writing and chemistry, i also love food so much. it sucks that making food and getting ingredients can be so expensive nowadays, why should people be barred from good, healthy food??? having fun making food??? trying different foods??? cooking (and baking) are such important skills, they should be readily available for people to learn and grow at. i'm probably just getting ahead of myself, though...

sotd: bad girl by b2st

mondays, mondays, mondays

greetings~ nothing much to say about my day... it's only the second week of school so it's still chill, but the workload will pick up soon and i'm actually sort of excited to get into it. i find myself strangely looking forward to math and ap chem, specifically? i'm not too sure why, i've always been pretty neutral towards the more practical subjects, but maybe this year something good will happen in them.

even though it's monday, i'm already thinking about the weekend. many weekends, actually. when i was in middle school, i had this small notebook that i wrote the addresses to various boba spots to. then, on the weekend, i would try to check one out. i've tried most of the cool boba places in the area i'm allowed to go, so i don't think i could really pull that off anymore, but i think it would be good to try and put together some activities and places for the weekend. i love relaxation, but something about me can't go without a sense of direction. don't know whether or not that's good or bad.

so far, i also added trying new dim sum places, but also new dessert recipes beyond the usual, some even beyond baking. i'd love to make ginataang again (it's been years), strawberry sago, mochi, french toast, cream puffs... generally i think it would be cool to expand my dessert repertoire. i only wish i had more people to share them with so there's no waste; even with all the money and time in the world, making good food means nothing without people to partake in it. 

goodnight.

sotd: can you feel my heart by bring me the horizon

twilight mood

ok, ok, ok listennnnnnn!!!!! decode + i caught myself are some of the best paramore songs like...ever (in my opinion, they're in my top faves). they capture the vibes of the first twilight movie so well, so mysterious and cold but at the same time so comforting. i can't wait until fall comes so it's nice and cold, and cloudy, and rainy, and grey, and blue...

and then, even though it's not a twilight soundtrack song, monster??? from that one transformers movie??? listening to all of them together is beyond angsty heaven. when it comes to moves, paramore just knows. i don't think i'll ever be over them.

goodnight.

i love vampires

out of all beings in fictional media, my favorite are vampires. i don't remember exactly how i began to like them, or why i like them so much now. maybe because in modern media, they're so versatile? they can be monarchs or oligarchs, ruthless and disdainful towards life; but also lowly enough to blend in, lonely, representing the cruelty and sadness, even guilt behind human want. not to mention, people have been removing and adding various abilities and weaknesses all the time, though their cores remain the same.

the darkness!!! the secrecy!!! the desire, desperation!!! the devotion for all eternity!!!

...ok, i guess i lied. i do know why i love them so much.

now the question is: would i want to be a vampire??? no!!! i enjoy spending time in the sun, i love warmth (not heat, there's a difference), i love garlic in my food, silver jewelry. i hate the idea of immortality. i like being human.

and then further: would i like to know one/if they exist? ummmm... i can't answer that one. now that, i don't know.

(...also... kat-tun's lips mv reminds me of vampires~...)

ugh

i said i was gonna be productive this weekend, but i guess not a whole bunch lolz! had some precalc and chem stuff to take care of, which i'll probs get to when i'm done writing this up.

i spent the other day outside, chilling. the entire week and yesterday tired me out so much tho, that i slept in until 1:30 today. and then i spent most of the day watching clips on youtube about various star wars clones. they're the only piece of star wars lore i really care about, to be honest. i was only ever able to enjoy the clone wars, none of the other series or movies. maybe it's something about the political intrigue?

and then obvi there's the clones, who all have such interesting stories and personalities. maybe that's why i like them so much. my favorites are probably delta squad.

like any other liking of mine, this one comes and goes every year. it's nice to revisit, but that's probably the deepest i'll ever really get into liking star wars.

sotd: sweetness by jimmy eat world (IF YOU'RE LISTENING, WOAHOHOHOOOOOOHHH *DUNDDUNDUNDUUUNDDJHASKJF*--)

metronomy

sort of in the similar vein as my last post, a lot of my ideas tend to come from a song. just one song, usually, though more come along as i begin to formulate the plot and characters, and then i have a nice playlist~.

i've noticed something interesting, though. the band metronomy... though i only really like two of their songs, both of those songs give me similar ideas. they all revolve around beach vacations, betrayal, secrets. most of the time, imagined scenes have simple or vintage aesthetics, lots of cream/beige, and muted colors. 

i think this is because when i first found a song of theirs a few years ago, i was really interested in classic mystery books. so, they all have this particularly sophisticated yet unnerving feel to them. 

either way, they're lovely songs. i'd love to listen to more.

goodnight.

genres

usually, my writings consist of fluffy romance and angst(or hurt)/comfort. it's been that way for years, especially since i love reading those things, and it's easy to find inspiration that way. 

however, lately, i've been thinking about trying my hand at writing horror? it's a completely different writing skill set, i know, but i think it could be insightful. i'd probably still end up adding romance into it (healthy romance, promise), but really. i've read a good amount of horror/suspense/mystery books in my lifetime thus far, i don't think giving it a shot would be so bad. 

but what type of horror?????!!!!! should it be around a curse, monsters, mystery, psychological, etc... i have a feeling youth will have something to play out in it, though. now i'm thinking...

cantina band

it pops up in my youtube recommended every once in a while and i swear every time it does it stays in my brain for at least five days. why. just why.

anyway. enjoy the tunes with me. (only the first part so it gets stuck in your head... i'm evil now...)

oopsie daisy

little story. i like to look through old blogs and whatnot to find pics of old idols, right? (kat-tun included, obvi.)

instead of saving them directly to my hard drive-- to save space and just in case of viruses-- i send them to myself in messages. but one time, i sent myself 81 photos. i didn't think that much of it at first, because i just kept adding photos without counting. 

and then it crashed the messaging app. and every time after that, whenever i open that specific contact for the first time, the app crashes. it works fine if i open it a second time but... dear cod, what did i do?

sotd: your face by wisp

careful happiness

hellos, i'm back. i don't really have any special thoughts right now, just looking forward to the weekend.

i'm happier than usual. i still feel disconnected from myself, yet i'm happy with my existence? the test went pretty well, though none of us finished it and we'll continue when we get back to school. i feel more confident, though i'm not entirely sure why, and what i'm specifically confident about. but i like it, obviously. i hope i can feel this way for a while longer.

lately i've been trying to cut back on my screen time. in an attempt to be more grounded in myself, it would be good to connect more to the world around me, wouldn't it? i'm trying to look at my phone less, download more music to my ipod so i don't have to rely on streaming so much. blogspot doesn't have an official app, so keeping this is helpful in a sort of regard. i'm doing well so far. 

in the same line as music, maybe i can compromise, actually... i can have murasaki and paramore in one playlist... i think that will be better~

sotd: never let this go by paramore

piano fire

i love that song so much................. it feels like something you'd hear in a show, sort of post-apocalyptic, as the mc wanders around ruins. they contemplate their life, all the lives that came before them reflected back yet not quite the same. 

my favorite lines are the ones about their solid marble eyes and rusted metal heart. it sort of reminds me of steampunk; i had a brief steampunk phase in middle school, though never truly stopped liking it. i actually wish i could see more of it in standard media. it also sort of reminds me of asoue...??? not sure why, maybe it's just the way i've interpreted the story based on the book covers, illustrations, the writing style, all that...

i'm unusually chatty right now. maybe that's a good thing.

goodnight.

paramore

small story time!

my sister used to really love paramore. i don't remember the exact reason(s) why, but because of her former love, i used to hear a lot of their songs when i hung around her. 

the song i remembered the most was never let this go. so, when i gained interwebs access, i tried looking for it. the moment i finally did, when i heard the intro, something deep in my brain unlocked. not a specific memory, but a feeling. it's hard to describe, but it's a sort of mixture of sadness and comfort. loneliness, but self-assurance. maybe a bit of nostalgia? i really couldn't tell you.

to this day, i listen to old paramore (specifically all we know is falling) when in need some angsty comfort. it always works.

(icon from paradoksu.)

ap chem

i've been really scared lately regarding my position in ap chem. the class just started, but looking around i see those who aced ap physics, who probably already took a bunch of notes and are beyond prepared. i don't think i belong. 

but, we had some review today for the test tomorrow, and i did really well. i even enjoyed it. if the test is gonna be like that, then i feel pretty confident. but we'll see. i don't know why i did this to myself, but hopefully i make it out alive.

in other thoughts, i thought about the main treat i wanted to bake for autumn, when it rolls around. it's been a while since i've had pumpkin cake, so i'm planning to make that with cream cheese frosting~

while i was putting together the playlist for the site, i had two conflicting paths... paramore playlist, nostalgic and reflective of my current state, but no murasaki. murasaki and owl city, though it doesn't reflect my thoughts and feelings right now? as you can see, murasaki and owl city won out in the end, but i'm probably gonna change it to paramore in the future. probably when the weather gets cooler.

sotd: desire by deas vail... what is this song about? the same phrases repeat for most of the song, but who or what is it referring to? i've thought about this for a while...

my first post!

hello everyone! i am eugene, as you probably already know. but what you may not know, is why i wanted to start this blog! i shall explain.

1. i've always wanted one. old blogs have always interested me, especially in terms of their design and how people customized them. they're so cool.

2. i need a space for my thoughts. lately, it's been hard for me to feel real. i struggle a lot with dissociation (though only really learned about it recently), and i've been in a rough patch lately. if i record some thoughts here each day, it might help me to feel more connected to myself again. 

3. writing practice! my latest project has fizzled out a bit, and i just want to keep up the habit of writing at least a little each day, especially as i have to start writing essays again soon. small steps are still steps!

4. something to look forward to. admittedly, i tend to spend a lot of my day just scrolling aimlessly through the interwebs, or rotting away inside. i want to try something new, make the time i spend at least a little more special as it slips away from me.

so, yeah. those are my reasons. hopefully i'll be able to make this a good habit-- i've never really been able to keep a diary for long in the past. only for a couple months at most, and even then i tended to skip a lot of days.

thank you for being here with me. take care of yourselves, stay safe and healthy. hopefully we can talk again soon~

- eugene <3