daphne loves derby

i've been listening to a lot more rock recently, which is actually sort of surprising. my love for electropop often feels never-ending, yet i don't think i've listened to it much these past couple weeks or so. 

a particular band i've been listening to more is daphne and derby. the first song of theirs i listened to was kirby, which was really cool. i loved the apologetic feel to it, which is something i feel pretty often regarding my relations to other people. it was also the theme song to another writing project of mine that fizzled out, and every time i listen to it, i think of that story. 

i've been thinking of getting a cd of theirs, on the strength of all convinced, but it seems hard to find... which i can understand. i wonder if any of the local underground cd stores have them. sometimes they have fascinating finds. 

...did they even come out with cds? i saw vinyl when i looked, and obvi they're online. but...? um... maybe i should look into that. i'm sure they're not that unknown, but you never know...

love everlasting

i'm sure i'm a broken record to all of you at this point when i say this, but. i've been thinking about my (old) club lately. it's as if... the more time passes, the more i miss them. i miss them so much.

right now, we're getting back into the thick of school events. and as we continue to readjust from the past few years of chaos, many more exciting things are going on. more activities and events, more opportunities, more energy. if we were still active, i bet we'd be having so much fun. in fact, i'm still thinking of things for the club to do, thinks to look forward and work toward, things to change when it comes to my leadership and our ability to reach out. but they'll never exist.

strangely, this heartache is reassuring. the fact i miss them so much, shows that i truly enjoyed their presence. their warmth. i made great memories, and i wish i could make more. 

i will hold them near and dear always.

mini post idea

remember how i talked about how i feel bad for not posting/talking much in spacehey as i used to? i was thinking a little, about what i could post while i was in a social slump. because while i can't commit to a full post (i know, sounds stupid), i want to show my friends that i appreciate them being with me on the site and that i think of sharing things with them a lot.

maybe i could post kaomojis or pics of akanishi based on my mood? something to let them know i'm thinking of them. i'd say it would be like a poke, but, uh... that site scares me. but you get the idea, right? i really am sorry i don't talk much. i update here so much, what's the difference............

admire all of you

back to the weekdays... uuuuughhhhh!!!! booooriiingggg. and it's gonna be so hot, the forecasted temps got even higher?!?!?!?!? i have a test tomorrow for ap chem, so i'm gonna study for that soon........ 

i also worked on more diary entires last night to map out the structure of the story further, and it's still going really well! i usually don't plan out my stories...much...? like, usually i have a vague idea of major points and how i want it to end, but not each chapter... if i'm too strict with it, then i lose the energy for it. like, dang. that's the story... even tho it's not, lolz.

a lot of college apps open up this week. as i already mentioned, i think i've finished up the necessary research. all that's left to do is... well, apply. and finish up the essays i have to. i already have the bare bones of them, beginnings and whispers, but that's it. thankfully, there's also a couple i'm applying to that don't need essays, so i could get those out of the way fast. 

what a week. and certainly, probably, what a month to come... time really is a snowball.

sotd: movements by daylily

walking past

hellos~ though i usually don't like sundays, this one was alright. the weather's nice, i had some good food. i'm strangely relaxed, though i haven't been able to work as much as i hoped i would this weekend. it's okay.

i've sort of been working on this new aspect of my time travel story. in my head, the mc keeps a daily blog/journal, and for each chapter i write, i add a sentence or two to describe it. part of it is a character exercise, obvi, to understand her voice and thoughts better. maybe-- along those lines-- i could add some entries for idol and friend as well? anyway. i'm having lots of fun.

this week is gonna be super hot. wish me luck... (and can you believe we're basically in october already? sheesh!)

sotd: birthday gallery by daphne loves derby (give them some love...)

restart

what a happy day! i stayed inside all day, mostly chilling, but i had fun. i watched a concert on television, revamped my spotify profile, and did some more college research. i think i have a good grip on where i wanna apply and go, and maybe i'll go on a tour soon. but, money... ah, that is the problem. it always is.

anyway. i feel great. aside from what i mentioned before, my mind seems a little clearer. i have ideas of what i want to fill my days with, things to work towards actively. apps. writing, obviously. the dolls, my halloween costume. places i wanna visit. languages i wanna learn. homework i gotta do...(though i'm less excited about this, haha!) the vibes are good. let's move into the future together.

sotd: midnight city by m83

saccharine

hey hey hey! eugene is back, laaaaaate. their schedule is a little off today-- they came home late and didn't take a nap... it feels early but late at the same time.

overall, it was a pretty productive week. i've been getting in a homework slump again, but i can very well make it up this weekend, and i've been doing much of it in class... though, for a part of this weekend, i sorta wanna try something new in terms of sweets. a new café, or a new recipe? hm~ choices, choices~

i recently finished the book i got at the shop a while back. i think it was this past saturday? it's a very whimsical and strangely sweet book, but there seems to be this dissonance? i love the vibes and the descriptive writing, but the character development, relationship development, and overall themes of the book don't seem to line up. it feels a little fast, and at times not serious enough? or it leaves things unexplored and therefore that's where it comes in... but it was a fun book, and i enjoyed it. i think it would work well as a short movie.

anyway. i'm off to daydream~ 

sotd: disco by surf curse

sweetheart

hello~ eugene is getting back to ya a little late, but they're here nonetheless! today was unexpectedly hot, and they have a really bad headache that hasn't gone away since late morning, but they're okay. 

to be honest, a lot of kat-tun songs have been on repeat for me lately. they're just so good!!! it's a shame we can't get them on streaming services (can only watch performances and old fan edits). and i'd love to order a cd of theirs, but those are so expensive too!!! and the songs i like are split across multiple cds!!! i'm not that rich, hello?!?!

for getting full points on a hard test, my auto teacher cooked me and a few other students lunch. i had a beef patty with rice, and a bunch of tomatoes. i also took some cookies and a juice box for the road. not as many people showed up as he expected, but i couldn't take too much with me, because i know we (my family and i) probably couldn't finish it. complicated.

sotd: mt. washington by local natives

thinking, thinking

eugene is back, with your regularly scheduled early wednesday post! they have a free period on wednesdays, so they take that time to write instead of do anything useful, teehee~

i'm going through my college list, now under the lens of an english major hopeful rather than a chem one. to be honest, that sort of brings more options, hehe! i know english is so basic, but i love it, truly... and because not a lot of people view it as so viable, surely i have better chances of getting into good colleges if my major is declared.

on a similar note, i've also been thinking of my senior quote for a long time now... what should it be? i'm thinking of using a line from minecraft's end poem, but idk. it would be funny if i tried an akanishi quote, but i think that would age pretty fast and i'd cringe a few years down the line.

anyway. being a responsible teenager............. what an oxymoron.

sotd: rescue by kat-tun

friend list

quite frankly, i need to update my friend list on spacehey. there's a lot of cool people that have sent me requests, and there's so many cool people i wanna send requests to as well, but... i'm scared. as i always am. i overthink, as i always do.

i don't know why or how i suddenly just... stopped interacting on there. after long enough, i became anxious to return and open up again. maybe i think people will be mad with me? or that they can't be trusted? fear ruins everything. my mom quotes that dune line enough times for me to hear it when i get anxious again, yet i can't...

where did my courage go?

love science

hi hi!!! i know i said the first day of fall was literally like...two days ago, but it is soooo hot out here!!! like, why??? and then for weeks after this we'll be okay............. i'm actually sorta concerned as to how hot it'll be for halloween, what about the yabuki costume...........(if i do it).

for some reason, i've been watching and reading a bunch of stuff regarding fallout lore. it's sort of interesting to me, especially in comparison to our world. a lot of conflicting extremes existed at the same time, literal decades remained on fine lines. i'm both glad and fascinated by how our lives in the twenty first century are the way the are now. it really makes you think.

sotd: pool by paramore

foolish love

hi everyone!!! literally just remembered the first day of fall was yesterday (at least, in the northern hemisphere)................ what fun! i can't wait for it to get cooler, and i can bake special treats and wear cozy hoodies and sweaters. and of course, i can't wait for halloween and all of the festive holidays!

today was an average monday, nothing special happened. though, my computer has been acting strange recently? and for some reason, this site doesn't let me add images normally anymore... i have to do weird workarounds. should i be concerned? if my blog is lost, i will truly cry for hours. all my akanishi pics and diary entries...

sotd: 1985 by bowling for soup

ack, alive!

hey hey hey, eugene here. nothing really happened today. i went to the store with my mom and got some essentials, as well as a mini cupcake maker for super cheap?!?!?! it was half off of an already good price, and we were like... why not... everything's intact, so we just have to test it out for realsies.

anyway. i said i would watch some more gokusen this weekend, and i'm gonna commit to that!!! i will watch it while doing hw!!! and hopefully not get distracted!!! (tho i probs will.)

sotd: sugar we're going down by fall out boy

library moment

hey!!! eugene is writing this from the library computer, teehee~ what fun! or was, until they realized they couldn't add an akanishi photo from their messages app. ummm!!!

thinking more about halloween costumes today... my mom said it would be hard for ppl to recognize yabuki (which is pretty given, tbh), but dressing up as him would still make me happy!!! she also found some stuff for cinnamoroll, so there's that too. i guess we'll see. i also have to figure out how to do my hair like him, considering i have curls, and it acts sorta weird when straightened. also, either i sew the school jacket or i just go as him without it... cuz there are times when he's without it. idk, but it's my final year of high school, and i really wanna make it special, and that show is pretty special to me now... even if people don't recognize, or confuse me for someone else, i'll be happy because i know who i was inspired by.

well. that was a long paragraph. 

i also worked with the time travel story while at the library, which was fun. looking back, it's pretty good stuff! i only have to figure out the tag and titling system for the chapters...

also, after i left the library i had a small shopping spree. i got a new book, a gift for someone, and some cute stickers. and then i got boba and fried potstickers~ and on top of all that, the weather was beautiful, and i was wearing a nice outfit... 

i just had a really great day! i'm hoping to finish up a part of my math homework and watch more gokusen later on today, too, so... bye bye <333

sotd: people are people by depeche mode

kimi ga kirai na kimi ga suki

hello!!! eugene is back once more. they are tired, sorta cranky, and sorta sad, but it'll all be okay. the weekend is on the horizon, and so is fall!!! hopefully they will have a restful weekend-- don't even have much homework either!

i was sorta thinking about my story today, with the time travel and idols and vampires... as i'm writing and planning, i came to the realization that i actually sorta like the characters not having names. mc is "mc" or "name" (so she doesn't come off as conceited), idol is "idol" friend is "friend"... i feel that them not having names adds to the atmosphere, in some way. like, it feels distant and mysterious. surreal-- is it really true? i think that sort of vibe would be interesting for the story, especially with the time travel elements. but i still do need to separate their voices and personalities, of course. 

i think that's it for now? life's pretty boring, as usual with school and everything. eh!

sotd: 7 days battle by kat-tun

hurt

hello!!! eugene is back, feeling better. though also aware they are sorta hormonal rn, so that's why everything is weird and anger-inducing. but they do have more energy, so... they dunno. it's just a thursday! that feels like a friday. had a huge event at school today, so that's why... usually big events are reserved for fridays, but. eh!

anyway. i also thought more about what i wanna dress up as. i really, really do wanna dress up as yabuki!!! i really can't tell you how, but i love him. i dunno if i relate to him though? maybe it's just the bad boy with a soft heart type thing? and he cares so much about his friends-- even if his pride gets in the way at times he values their safety. i'm so endeared to that, help-- but again, would he be a good bf???!?!?!!? ack! i dunno!

to be honest, though, having a fictional crush is very fun. not as anxious or upsetting as with irl crushes, though i guess that just comes with vulnerability sometimes. being vulnerable does mean having to deeply consider who to trust, but at the core, it is all human connection. sometimes we get hurt because we love so much; other times, it's a fault of the other person. but we learn, and we grow. hopefully that softness never truly goes away. hopefully it just becomes discerning and self-confident.

sotd: when am i gonna lose you by local natives

waffles

i'm sorry this is so late. genuinely, i don't think i have anything to say. i think i'm hitting a period of disconnect again. time passes, work piles up again, i'm fatigued...

sleep well for me.

sotd: cherry waves by deftones

catchy

did i ever mention the fact that i had a gorillaz phase? in 5th grade, i stumbled across their song "clint eastwood" and then listened to a bunch of their discography. it was also around the time that humanz came out, so i also had all that new music and content to go through. my fave member was either 2d or noodle. 

it was interesting. didn't really affect me much, and i barely listen to them nowadays, but their music is a sorta soft spot of mine whenever it does pop into my head or on the radio. 

anyway. goodnight.

the p o r r i d g e

y'all if i'm being completely honest... my thoughts are consumed with porridge. whether this is because i'm exhausted out of my mind or really am just that fascinated by it, i can only think of porridge.

it's been a long time since i've eaten soupy breakfast foods. usually i have cereal. or, if there's something good going on, pancakes, pan de sal, or waffles. but i've never eaten oatmeal, or porridge, or congee. and as previously mentioned, polenta only many years ago. 

admittedly i was concerned while making it at first because the steam coming off of the milk smelled weird, but once everything was done it tasted amazing. my mom said she added more milk to it this morning and then made more cinnamon sugar to put in a jar for the next time we eat it.

uh. nothing special really happened at school, except we have a bit of a strange schedule this week. i think it's because of some events going on? either way, i don't think i'm going to feel well rested this week.

uh. that's it. anyway. porridge.

sotd: ttyl by loossemble

dancefloor

final post of the night~ i made porridge! i followed a recipe i found online, and sprinkled it with cinnamon sugar as suggested, and added a little vanilla... it was heavenly. and since it was warm, it warmed my heart completely... <3

it sorta reminded me of sweet polenta, something i used to have for breakfast a lot as a little kid. but supposedly i had an allergic reaction one day and i had to stop eating it? i have no recollection of it obviously, but i still have memories of really enjoying it, and i sorta miss it. maybe since i'm older now (and it doesn't contain any of my current allergens) that i could try it again. maybe. generally, i want to expand my breakfast options, especially as i grow older and probably will have to find ways to spice up my days. food is definitely an easy way, right?

sleep well.

celebration

ah, i keep forgetting! as of a couple days ago, it's officially been one month since this blog started! i know i don't really have anyone to celebrate with (as of posting, this is a private blog), but i'm truly glad i decided to start this. 

it's nice having a better look into myself and my days. in the past, i usually didn't write much in journals, because my hand would cramp and i didn't want to waste space by writing practically the same thing over and over again... not to mention, i always felt that disconnect from the life i experienced to the life that felt like mine when i was alone at night. having this makes the disconnect... less wide, if it even exists anymore at all. and i can add all this stuff, without spending money on materials or paper, or ink... it's beautiful.

thank goodness for blogs. long live the blog!!!

relief

eugene's back from another monday~ 

you guys are gonna be so annoyed, but, uh... i guess i'm not that nervous about the auto stuff anymore? it wasn't a test we had today, but i did actually do the whole tire process by myself, and i didn't get a horrible time. the time to beat is 1min19s, but honestly i have no intention of beating it as long as i get a good grade.

have an ap chem test tomorrow and a little project for gov, but honestly today's pretty chill. i might make some porridge later on, and continue measuring and cutting for the doll i plan to make. i don't think i have enough brown felt for yabuki's cute fluffy hair, but at least i can draw up a new pattern for it in the meantime. i also need to get some black buttons for his big adorable eyes, and maybe the fabric for his little uniform... ah! i'm already excited.

the only thing i'm really worried about when it comes to that sewing project is that it won't turn out as well as i hope... i know that's basically a given with any creative work, but really! in my mind, he's a little scrappy and cute, but will he be irl... but as i said before, as long as he's made with love, i would be happy either way. i made something new, and had fun, and learned. ultimately, i think that is what life is about.

sotd: winter's house by giles corey (have i done this song before? i'm posting enough that i don't remember anymore...)

ok

hey hey hey~ it's eugene again (like... who else would it be?) after yesterday (and all my stresses), i took today to rest and recharge. i finally got my resolve to start measuring out the fabric for my dolls, so that's going well. i have to redesign the hair, though, since it doesn't really fit yabuki...

you're probably tired of hearing me say this, but i am terrified for tomorrow!!! i'm going to fail!!! hard!!! i'm going to end up in tears!!! my friend suggested that maybe i could get to school really early and try to practice in the auto room before school starts, so i could try that... but can i really wake up that early? will the teacher be there early enough? this is important.................. i could also try asking my brother for advice, or generally emotional help, but... i've never talked to him much before, so i don't know how he'd handle it.

for some reason, i got the urge to search through all the shows of old television stations i used to watch as a kid? i'm pleased to find out a lot of them are accessible nowadays through free services; i truly wondered whether or not i would ever see them again.

i'm pretty sure grand festival is over, so... guess i played it for the last time last night. it was truly a fun experience! it was sick to see all the music from past splatfests through all the games come to this one, and all my teammates were amazing. i hope present or past wins, it would make my day. or week. or month. or year! hehe.

sotd: boyfriend by big time rush

shape da future

time for another round of me questioning what i'm going to do in life... the lack of discernment is never-ending. 

at the very least, i know i want to provide comfort. i want to write stories, definitely. it's my life passion-- or, at least has been thus far. maybe start a café or old k-pop store? but i don't think i could handle owning a business or talking with people that often. 

another idea popped into my mind recently, and that was maybe being a teacher? it would be interesting. teach people about a subject i love and maybe help them along their track to growth and figuring out who they are and what they like. but again, i can't talk with people that often. i suck in any and all public situations, and i stammer. not to mention, teaching credentials are more school. more money and time. and teachers are so underappreciated in the world nowadays. maybe i could just write materials or tips, or courses? idk. to be honest, i don't even know where the idea came from. 

anyway. sleep well.

tremble

hello!!! it's eugene, back from quite a lovely saturday. i went to the mall with my friend, and got some cool things~ we also chatted a bunch about stuff and smelled a bunch of candles at bath and body works, lol. at the expense of sounding cheesy, i felt like i was in a teen show or movie, where the protagonist and their best friend (we could be either) just go shopping and have fun, and there's this nice music playing in the bg... fun!!! 

i'm also thinking of finally getting around to copying my sewing proofs and measuring out the fabric for them. though, i will need to find felt for their hair, and buttons for the eyes. and whatever's needed for the clothing as well? what is best for doll clothing? idk.

not much homework, or any, i think. i'm trying my hardest not to think about school right now because i know i'm gonna fail that auto test!!! i know it!!! but... that's in two days. i'll be okay. i think. i hope. let's just not think about it!!!

sotd: help i'm alive by metric

iris

it's been a while, like... a week? since i've last talked about a genre. and i'll try to keep it short.

i'd like to bring attention to a few songs:

- goo goo dolls: iris, name, all eyes on me, broadway
- lifehouse: hanging by a moment, whatever it takes, you and me, falling in, from where you are
- the fray: where the story ends, over my head (cable car), look after you
- keane: somewhere only we know
- coldplay: yellow
- sky sailing: i live alone, brielle
- steven cravis: distant hearts longing pt. 2, my true love, laughter of a child, the vow, resolution, letting go

these songs are... warm. but not in a fuzzy kind of way, in a sad and nostalgic way. the way that summers felt as a child. the way bronze looks. the way empty fields, sun blazing above and dry stalks swaying in the wind look. old movies about strange adventures and steampunk technology. old pictures in wooden frames. cobwebs on windows, dust dancing in the beams of sunlight filtering in from gauzy curtains. 

distant, yet consuming. lonely, lost love. you dedicate the stars to your beloved, the moon, the flowers and the sea. the very home you live in, the food and drink you partake in. the pieces of yourself you put on paper are all theirs, even though they can never come and retrieve them. they can never come back.

playing dress up

man... i was really thinking about it all summer, but now that the season's coming, i can't decide!!

i don't know what i wanna be for halloween!!! i thought of, over the years...

- dante sparda
- yabuki hayato (but i like him so that would be weird)
- one of akanishi's cool stage outfits? like real face or keep the faith... i am not wearing a fedora, though!!! ew!!!
- ice bear
- chanyeol in the power mv
- a troll (but i dunno which one, maybe a fantroll?)
- something steampunk-y
- shark (did that last year tho)
- pirate (maybe combine with steampunk?)
- frankenstein (if you know me irl it might be sorta funny. or sad.)
- cinnamoroll (my fave sanrio character)
- agent (captain) 3
- agent 8
- some crazy y2k alien

uhhhh i think that's it. but yeah, that's what i have in mind!!! please help.

hard times by paramore (i'm okay? haha)

finally, the week's over. realized i missed a lot the other day in auto, and we have a test on monday refilling a tire... squid! i'm in big trouble. but tomorrow, my friend and i are gonna have a great time at the mall, and things will be okay for at least a few hours.

for some reason, i've been feeling really... happy? at my core, i don't think i am, i know i'm not. i'm stressed, and sad, and scared, and sorta lonely. yet i wanna laugh and dance. i wanna be outside and explore, and dress weird, and take pictures, and eat good food, and do fun things. what is this? is this some strange placebo effect caused by something i experienced today? am i sick in a totally different way?

help me!

sotd: shimmy shimmy quarter turn by hellogoodbye

recovery

hello! it's eugene, back again. i didn't go to school today, as i wasn't feeling super well, but i should be better enough tomorrow. i think it's just the normal thing where i tend to stress myself into sickness, especially compounded with poor sleep and procrastination. but it's okay!

so, uh, yeah. i don't really have much to talk about today. and thankfully, i don't have a bunch of work to make up, since my mostly easier classes are all today. but i gotta pass that air chuck/coupler check, and i'm scareddddd... i can't do ittttt...

but, i am looking forward to the weekend. hopefully when i wake up tomorrow, i'll be better rather than worse to totally be sure of my availability for tomorrow... bcuz my friend and i are going to the mall!!! she's never been to the specific mall we're going to before, so i'm excited to explore it with her. i don't really go out with friends much irl, so doing so is always appreciated and fun...

sotd: are you what you want to be by foster the people

strange trends

a lot of short blog posts today, but this will probs be the final one of the day. 

i noticed recently: a lot of the story ideas that i have end up getting really... deep, all of a sudden. at least in my mind. (remember how i said that the actual execution ends up not being as deep because i can't bring my worst feelings to the surface?)

like, get this. i start with a cute idea, originally plan it out to be a fluffy little short story... and then it takes a turn. i don't even know where the turn comes from! it's just like, "hm. what if this became angst? how would that happen?" 

like, that's what happened with this recent idea... i thought i would make it a cute story between an idol and a fan, with a little time travel sprinkled in and a happy ending. but then the vampire stuff happened!!!

i know it's my fault, considering i'm the one entertaining such ideas, but. my writing's never really taken turns that often before... what's the reason? is it connecting to me wanting to let go of deeper pains?

never mind

i will not be developing a crush further!!! yippee!!!

crazy

i gotta admit, i love how girl groups are taking center stage in this k-pop generation! not to say that they haven't been amazing before (that would be disrespect to all of them, and i love them), but at least from my experience, i see the girls groups of this generation being more popular than boy groups. 

their music is so fun, the fashion is cute and the dances seem fun to learn (if a little hard). and of course boy groups are still going well, but...idk, girl groups bring more hype. they are the powerhouses in this generation, and i'm loving it!!!

sparks

hey~ it's eugene... with a super early post! my teacher isn't here rn, soooo... 

today is club rush, which is very exciting! i can't wait to see what clubs there are. even though i already looked over the document with all of them, the atmosphere is always nice. it's one of the few events people really care about, which is both... a good and bad thing? if you get what i mean.

don't tell anyone else, but i wrote a lot of this post last night before i went to sleep. i didn't wanna publish it though, since it was after midnight. it's not really a daily post if it's part of the past day (because i haven't slept yet)... so, here we go.

to be honest, even though i write a lot of hurt/comfort, it never gets deep. and quite frankly, i think that's what i need. but it's hard. i made a real effort to stuff the harder pains down, into the deepest recesses of my mind. but they're there. they haunt me. i can hear their echoes when the darkness comes creeping back, and sometimes it scares me. i learned to suppress. but if i could bring them to the surface again, even if for a moment in their grotesque glory, maybe they won't be so scary. 

but that's easier said than done. i do want to bring them to the surface, but i can't let them consume me again. i don't want to fight them again. i know life has its ups and downs, and things may get even worse or better than they were then and now. but i don't want to face that now. i don't think that'll be good for me, so. i'll try to keep it at arm's distance, still.

sotd: bulls in the bronx by pierce the veil

oh oh love is funny

hello~ i'm back from a pretty alright tuesday! i didn't sleep well, since i stayed up for a long time playing video games and chatting with a friend of mine, but i got through the day! not to mention, the weather got much colder and i was beyond thrilled.

it was pretty productive, got a lot done and obvi learned a lot. except, uh, i can't put an air chuck on a coupler. either i'm weak or not getting something, and they're both equally possible. but i'll get it! i know it can happen! i'm also still missing my dearest english. i know a lot of people dislike it, but it's what makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

i did a lot of building for the time travel story before i went to sleep the night before, so i'll probs continue with that more today. i've also got some homework to get out of the way, but i think i can keep the balance. it's been too easy for me to procrastinate nowadays, though...

anyway. i know i talk way too much about dessert planning, but i've also been thinking about making carioca. for those who may not know, it's deep fried coconut dough, covered in caramel, on a stick. it's a fun treat! but the caramel may be hard. i was also thinking about making fried mantou with condensed milk... it's seriously delicious, even though it's been a while since i've last had it. 

anyway. that's it for now~ though i'm tired and a little sad, i'm in a sweet mood. things feel sweet. i'm looking forward to tomorrow.

sotd: woke up to a storm by french for rabbits

only lonely your teardrop

hello hello hello! eugene's back~ and it's monday again.......... let's make this week happen!

genuinely, i can't stop looking at my blogs. they are so pretty! an internet space (or spaces) that truly reflects me! originally, i was terrified to start these. what if people found me, made fun of me, and started being creeps... but being here makes me so happy. and i know the fear exists for a reason-- the internet can be crazy. but it's like that's been mostly overridden. it's hard to explain. 

anyway. short post today. i can't think of anything else~

sotd: never meant by american football

wait oh dear

it seems i have backed myself into a strange corner. ideally, the love interest of the time travel fic would've been portrayed by 2003 akanishi. and then i used a 2004 pic of him in the background image.

okay, but here's the thing... care (theme song) was released in either 2004 or 2005 (genuinely do not know, the lack of info on kat-tun on western internet is no help). so, then, it fits in terms of theme song, i guess. but 2003 really was the year my mind kept imagining when i thought of this story. probably because a lot of surviving videos and images from the time portray him as a very fluffy guy. iykyk. whether or not that's true, though, obviously i wouldn't know. 

so, either i completely shift my mental images of the story, or create a new background with images that are practically impossible to find.

oops.

teehee

okay, i lied!!! instead of homework, i worked on the layout for the story idea. and it turned out beautifully. here, take a look:

it took me many hours, but i'm happy with how it turned out for now. this is the first time i've every played around with blogger code, and there aren't as many training wheels as on spacehey. and even then, what i did was insanely easy, probably. i just made a background, messed around with colors and proportions and translated it all, and added music, and a few extra things. 

i was particularly inspired by the old layouts you see on createblog, where a lot of them have headers/backgrounds that really blend into the blog and the content itself. truly fascinating! of course, mine isn't as beautiful as the ones on that site. those are true art. but i can't stop staring at my little creation. i'm happy.

heartbeat

hello! i'm writing this from the library right now, a comfort space of mine, with a comfort playlist playing. doing homework, feeling good~ it won't last, but it feels nice right now.

i have a full timeline thought out for the time travel idea, but obviously as i begin writing it will probably shift and change as the characters see fit. heck, i don't even have character names yet... hm... i'll have to get to that.

to be honest, i should probably work more on my college app stuff than i already am. i'm stuck, and don't know how to continue... on top of that, it's not enjoyable, so it's not like i can sit for a while and come up with a bunch of stuff like i do for this lovely blog. i need to talk about myself, professionally???? do i look like a professional person?!?! no!!! i'm a tiny, tired potato who would rather be writing silly stories in their room!!!

but. i still have a couple of months ahead of me, so. i guess the situation isn't as bad as i thought it would be. wish me luck. i think i'll need it.

sotd: eve, psyche, and the bluebeard's wife by le sserafim

crush or squish?

kelp! i might be developing a crush on a classmate. 

this can't be happening, it's horrible! okay, well, they're not horrible. they seem like an alright person. but i didn't want to have romantic feelings for anyone this year! i didn't spend the entirety of my junior year taking care of myself and learning about myself to be more confident in my own skin, to get a crush as a reward?!?!?! i'm sorry, but falling in love is really unlikely. no one would like me that way!!!

but, at the same time, it could only be a squish? only platonic? maybe i just wanna share more love because it feels hard for me to sometimes? i don't know, but i won't be mad if that's the case!!!

anyway. i've been thinking of opening another blog for my writing. i don't really want stuff to get mixed up with the little personal diary i have here, so...

if i could somehow write a story in an epistolary way, but have it as a blog... that would be real sick, wouldn't it?

sotd: keep the faith by kat-tun (how many kat-tun songs will i add? no one knows...)

the idea!!!

omg i forgot to tell y'all... the time travel x idols x vampires idea is coming along so well!!! i have the general ideas for the main character, the love interest, the setting, and the ending... i have a general idea of how the plot line will go... i even have a little playlist idea, and an idea for what the theme of the website will be if i post it through blog format!

even just writing this, i'm like... beyond excited. thrilled! exhilarated! elated! it's taking everything in me not to squeal right. now.

care

hey, hey, hey~ eugene is back! and looking forward to the weekend, hehe~

i baked the pandan mochi cake (it would be bibingka, but not quite bibingka so i don't wanna call it that) the night before, and though i haven't tried it yet, my mother said it turned out well. not able to taste the pandan, though, which...sucks. pandan is so hard to work with, for some reason??? literally every site says it's a 1:1 ratio to vanilla, but every time i use it, i can't taste it!!! why!!!

anyway. i'm not sure what i'm gonna do this weekend. i have math homework to catch up with, and maybe i'll get around to measuring and cutting the fabric needed for the dolls. i've begun thinking about concepts for them, like what they're theme is, sort of similar to lalaloopsy? if that makes sense? like, little yabuki is sewn from yabuki's uniform... vienna is sewn from owl city's maybe i'm dreaming album... idk. lolz!

tbh i miss posting and talking to people on spacehey. not to say i don't love it here, i do! it's so fun. but idk. it's like a ghost town over there nowadays...

sotd: love yourself by kat-tun (back to the kat-tun binge because i listened to one drop and fell in love with it)

the yacht club

hello! i'm back. as i always am, and hopefully always will be. pretty average day once more, though i've got a bunch of homework to complete!!! i need to nap before i chip away at it though, 'cause i really can't think well right now. my brain is sludge.

anyway. since i'm so tired, i'll chat about dreams a little. i don't really remember them all that well, only a scene or two from each one, and even then i don't remember the context. not like there's even context for dreams, though, lolz.

strangely, a lot of the dreams i remember involve running or being in love. 

it's hard in real life, but in dreams i run. alone. far and fast, the land passes in blurs as i do so. they can't catch up to me, i can't let them. the views are beautiful. 

or being in love. i once dreamt about getting married, and having a reception at a waterfront restaurant. the sky was dark, and the lights of a faraway city twinkled like warm stars. i was nervous. in another, i went ice skating with a lover, who smiled at me as we flew to the rink (literally-- and then the scene switched). or a different one, someone came up to me and hugged me. they asked if i was okay. i said yes, then they said we should do this more often, and i woke up.

when i was much younger, a lot of my dreams involved danger. running away, again. but also facing malfunctioning cars and zombies. falling. 

of course, i have no idea what they all mean. especially the love ones, considering in real life there's nothing going on. but also, it could mean nothing at all. just reflections of what i see. what i feel. processed at a speed i can't comprehend once the world comes back to me. 

or can i?

sotd: one drop by kat-tun 

classics

let me be real with you.

i think a lot of classics (the books) are boring, and for the longest time i wondered why. they seemed so interesting, a glimpse into worlds before our own, with so many different conventions and style. what's not to enjoy? but they bored me. i could barely get a fourth through most classics i tried to read, unless they were assigned to me of course. i'd only make an effort to gnaw through them then.

i think i figured out why a little while ago. a lot of classics, i think, tend to dawdle. and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just what i'm not into. but i've noticed. many older books tend to take their time when going through the plot line, the sequence of events. they go into what the characters did, the times they ate and dressed, walks and shopping, conversations with friends. compared to newer books, it is a compilation of very tiny moments and all build to the plot. as i already said, it's slow and boring, but can be methodical and strangely fascinating.

anyway. i'm a bit of an impatient human, so i can't read classics often. the only one i'm really bothering with for fun is dracula, especially as its an epistolary book, one of my favorite types. but finding that out was quite the interesting treat. 

a day (blossoming era)

hey hey~ it's eugene, coming to ya earlyyyyy~

my day's gone pretty well so far. it's gonna be really hot this week, but thankfully i don't have to walk around campus as much as i did for past years. i got to have eggs for breakfast (scrambled), with rice, and it was so good. really filled me up for the morning!!!

the night before, i worked on an old layout redux i'd been meaning to for months now. i'm quite proud of it, it's very simple and sweet, and i'm glad i returned to it! the only other thing i need to figure out is what song to add to it... nothing in my mind seems to fit. a few old k-pop songs, care by akanishi, one calm dynasty warriors song... but none of them feel totally right! help mehhh~

also, regarding the vampires x time travel idea i had before, scenes are beginning to form in my mind. there's still a lot of twists and turns i have to work out, though, like how does the time travel even work, obvi... but i'm excited either way.

my homework is sorta piling up... i need to get to it, but there's so many other things i wanna do... why............!!! 

sotd: my man by davichi (so cute and underrated!!!)

eggs

hello, hello~ it's eugene, back again <3.

lately i've been concerned about my sugar intake. where i am, high sugar intake is a problem (among many others, but), and my family has a history of blood and heart problems, so... i need to be extra, extra careful. but it's so hard... i love sweets so much, yet the sweets do not love me back. and eventually, neither will my teeth or blood.

anyway. i'm trying to think about other foods to incorporate more into my diet so i can keep myself healthy. i love to eat, but the stuff's gotta be good, you know?!?! i already love fruits and vegetables, but what about protein... i'm not the biggest fan of beef, don't have pork that often and chicken i already love. but sometimes, i want something light, you know? and in a lot of dishes, meat can feel quite heavy. 

enter eggs!!! i used to love eating eggs when i was tiny. i woke up early every saturday morning to make fried eggs with my mom. mine would have a bunch of paprika on it, because i loved paprika then. don't entirely remember why, though? however, as i grew older, i stopped eating eggs as much. i wish i didn't, but something about the texture... combined with the flavor... it ends up feeling weird to me as it goes down my throat, and i'm not into it. 

i wanna try cooking more egg dishes, though. i wanna fall in love with eggs again!!!

sotd: don't touch my girl by boyfriend (they need to be talked about more!!!)

um again

ack!!! i forgot to update y'all again. but at the same time, there's not much to update about. i had a day off, so i stayed at home and caught up with sleep and some work. i also read a bit. 

my mom was able to find the fabric i was looking for, for the dolls. and so, once i copy my proofs and print them out i can start planning and sewing! also, regarding the time travel idea i had... what if i combined it with vampires??? vampires and time travel! that could be fun. and i'm coming up with more spacehey layout ideas! my creative side is working hard, i'm so excited~.

at the same time, it's time to get into the grind for september at school... i'm not excited for that. help me.

sotd: wedding dress by taeyang (BAAAAYBEHHHHHH--)

shows

i don't watch a lot of television nowadays, as sometimes i find starting and committing to a new series to be daunting. gokusen ii is the first new show i've watched in a while, actually, and that's only because i've been wanting to see it since i saw yabuki (<3), which is... over eight months. so, how about i break down all the shows i've loved before...?

1. regular show. this is a show i began to like more recently, because of how surreal and funny it could be. it's definitely a relic of 2010, in both good and bad ways. it's also good to have on in the background.

2. ninjago (original). i adored this show for years!!! i stopped watching after the fourth season because i felt as if it got too "big." it wasn't just the small group of ninjas fighting against the local world-destroying evil, there was so much more and i felt sorta overwhelmed. i tended to like shows that focus on one area, for some reason. my favorite ninja was zane, and he was probably my first crush ever? i was so small that i didn't realize it, but looking back i definitely related to and was endeared to him.

3. my babysitter's a vampire. this show was amazing, and i still hope it gets some sort of continuation. it's corny and fun, yet serious at the right times. i loved the various monsters that they faced against. the one i remember the most was probably that tree that came alive and began eating through machinery. sick.

4. star trek (tos). i mainly watch the original series. while i would love to get into the others, i just can't for some reason. there's something charming about the original (despite it being dated in some aspects) and how people back then thought the future would be like and how little sense it made at times. well, the original star trek series hasn't passed yet, but you get the gist. we're definitely nowhere near them. this is probably a super basic answer, but my favorite character is spock. i also love uhura; she's a boss and everyone knows it.

5. lab rats. oh my cod, i loved this show like i loved ninjago. my dad found it many years ago on netflix, and thought i'd like it. i absolutely did. it was such a... nerdy? show? all the tech in it was so cool, from the secret lab to their powers, and it was interesting to see what trouble they'd face each episode. i'm pretty sure the first episode i watched was either robo-perry or chip switch? every time i return to it, those are usually the episodes i start with. comfort episodes. however, i did enjoy the little arc about the triton virus and douglas. that was cool. my favorite character was chase.

6. wordgirl. i went crazy when i saw wordgirl clips trending on youtube a few years back. at first i was concerned, then pleasantly surprised they were just having fun with it. it was my top childhood show, i waited to watch it every afternoon and ate each episode up regardless of whether or not i watched it before. all the villains were so cool, with distinct personalities. and as a small, bookish kid who loved words, i saw myself in becky. she definitely helped push my love of words and literature as a little kid.

7. fetch with ruff ruffman. this is a show i miss way too much. i always wanted to be on it, until i rewatched it and realized just how scripted it was. but all of the missions were so cool, and i loved the secret clubhouse and the rewards the teams would get (if there were teams, depending on the episode). each of the challenges and puzzles were fun to follow along with, and obviously i was learning something so... double coolness points. ruff was a great host as well.

8. a series of unfortunate events. i feel as if this is obvious, given my love for the books as well. but the show was executed perfectly, in my opinion. it followed the books well, as well as the overall vibe of the story. beautiful adaptation.

9. what's new scooby doo. my favorite scooby doo series' are the original, and what's new, but i'm pretty sure that's just because they're the ones i grew up with on dvd. i loved following the spooky clues, the grand reveal, how unique every episode was in terms of monsters and setting. super cute. my favorite character was daphne.

10. mei's butler. this is also a super recent one, but definitely in my list of top favorite shows. the character development is pristine, and the humor is well-timed. i couldn't help but cheer mei on as she went through the school and helped everyone become their best selves by just being herself. i sort of wanted her to end up with takeru satoh's character, but honestly.............. he can be mine too-- (wait, but yabuki............. ummmmm!!!!! who will a potato choose?????)

11. k project. an interesting show, with beautiful art. the ost is still one i listen to while studying sometimes, and each of the characters are so well-defined and memorable (though, i didn't wish they turned the older girls into bait. gross). my favorite king is either munakata or suoh. i think i'd be in scepter 4, though. their vibe fits mine. 

12. kuroko's basketball. i found this show during the winter of a sad year, so this definitely brought my spirits up. i loved following seirin through their journey to winning the championship, and cheering them on. the depth of the miracles' stories is also so beautiful, and it really makes you think about how one can be held to such high standards and forced to perform at them, and what they do in the face of actual challenge. my favorite gom has to be either midorima, akashi, or kuroko. i also found it sort of endearing how each of them seemed to want to impress kuroko? like, i know it was a matter of pride and ego, but... like... he did not care. at least, not to the extent they did. he just wanted to play, man!!!

okay. that's all the shows i can remember off the top of my head. i also tried watching various magical girl shows, but never fully committed to one. i also used to watch old hello kitty tapes my mom had from decades ago, but i definitely don't remember anything about them now. i also love cooking shows and baking shows, but they're not super notable enough to write here. 

speaking of shows, i sorta wish idol groups didn't stop doing their own silly variety shows. you see them more in earlier gens, and while there are youtube channels nowadays for that sort of content, it felt different. maybe it's just nostalgia goggles, though.

my video game husband

before i stumbled across kat-tun, i was in a deep dynasty warriors phase. like, deep deep. i played it every night, made two playlists dedicated to studying with dynasty warriors ost (which i still have and listen to), and read up on so many of the characters...

my favorite character? guan xing.

and to be honest, it caught me so off-guard. at first, the characters i liked were xun yu, guo jia, and lu xun. but guan xing... unexpectedly, i became endeared to his quiet, dedicative sweetness. his affection lines always felt so genuine and careful. and, on top of that, he's super cute~.

that dynasty warriors phase coincided with me getting over a crush, and i had time to think about the type of person i'd want to fall in love with, how i'd want to be treated, and how i would treat a partner. over that summer, i gained a lot of self-confidence and clarity. looking back, i really developed a lot in terms of my internal understandings. it's truly interesting how media that may seem insignificant (at least in the moment-- i just saw it as a relaxing pastime) truly have an impact on how you perceive yourself and others.

doot doot

hello~ pretty average sunday, i got to stay in and rest after an exhausting past few days. but bcuz of that, i dunno what i wanna talk about................ i'm seriously drawing a blank. maybe this time i'll just make sure you guys know i'm alive?

to be honest, when it comes to desserts, my main focus is baking (as you probs already know), right? but i've also wanted to try desserts with agar agar and jelly/pudding. while the process of making pudding is longer and sometimes more complicated, i think it could be greatly rewarding.

also, as i write this, i'm going through old songs i have downloaded from like... 3-4 years ago... it's so strange. i was in a deep (unhealthy) phase with another boy group which i fell out of love with last year. but... i still have their music, i spent so much money on it, and frankly it's still sort of good. but i can't listen to it the same, knowing my mental state and the time and the type of people they are. i can't comprehend it now-- how did i end up that way? i know i was 13/14, but damn... i hope i don't end up that way with kat-tun. that mindset ruins.

anyway. it's september already. new month, new post tag.

sotd: i like you the best by b2st (top minihomepy song!!! also not the boy group i'm referring to, i still listen to them lots.)