finally, the end of friday. i don't really have much to look forward to for the weekend, and admittedly i'm not feeling too emotionally well. but i'm at least glad i got an ap chem quiz out of the way, and auto's going pretty smoothly. less things to worry about.
i talk so often about random things in my life. do you mind if i talk about a fatal flaw?
this comes about because, as i said earlier in the week, college app deadlines came and went. but i'm upset with myself.
i gave up applying to my ideal school for one that was only closer, to appease my family. and i'm just... this always happens, you get it? whenever i make a decision someone else ends up sharing their opinion and apparently i have no spine, so i fold and go with their suggestion.
hate it. i did all my research of the school, attended a seminar, thought it was super great. it was practically a nerd paradise. i'd have a good chance of going, too. but in the name of safety-- if it truly was only safety-- i gave it up. even as i changed the checkbox i couldn't help but feel like my heart was being twisted. and shouldn't i have known? i did, really. i didn't even want to go to the other school in the first place, and i knew that even if i got in with some sort of miracle i wouldn't go at all. i'm so upset. it happens all the time, especially with the decisions that mean most to me. why do i give other people so much power?
the feeling will go away soon, i'm sure. and i'm sure by some luck i could go to my dream school in the future. but in the meantime, i'll simmer in it. and in the meantime, i'll see what else i can do.
how about you, is it generally easy for you to follow your heart? i hope it is, truly. it's your life, and you deserve to live it in a way that rings authentic to you, in a way that sets your heart alight.
sleep well.
sotd: brick by boring brick by paramore
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