a million miles away

thursday~ usually i don't do early uploads on thursday, but my classes finished up work a little earlier than expected. and of course, there's lunch as well~~~...

sometimes, i think about what little me wanted to be. 

when i was super tiny, i wanted to be like my sister-- i looked up to her so much. i wanted to have a bunch of plushies, and cool tech, and a cool sense of style. i especially wanted to have graphic tees like hers, with nerdy/quirky(?) details on it. robots, dinosaurs, the like. i wanted to be in high school and join a bunch of clubs and do volunteering like her, because i saw she had a lot of friends through it. i remember specifically wanting my own ipod too, blue, i think. but grey's also good. <3

what... a fascination. a while ago i wondered if little me would find me boring. but now, i wonder if she'd be proud of me. would she recognize me? 

thinking about it, i do fulfill her style and tech expectations. not the social ones-- not at all. but if i told her i had my own blog and showed her my spacehey, had her look at all the cool stuff i've collected and grown to like, i think she'd like everything, too.

anyway. this all came from the idea i saw-- that past you is always proud of you. not only for coming as far as you have, but because you've tried to find happiness and expand your happiness in so many ways. she'd probably be happy to know i'm in high school-- even though i never liked it as much as i hoped i would-- and fascinated by how things work nowadays.

i am often jaded with how things are in my life, how the world hurts-- reality is never so kind. but as i keep my childhood self in my mind, i feel a little pride and gratitude. perhaps i'll never reach her bigger dreams (being a famous writer or artist), but the small dreams and hopes are always within reach. 

that could just be me, however. what do you think? 

anyway anyway. the title of this blog post comes from a recent detail i have learned of. 

i usually don't listen to live versions of songs, but i came across a performance of here we go again by paramore. and i found that hayley adds another verse at the end, starting with, "well i'm a million miles away when you get this letter," and it's been stuck in my head since. (supposedly it comes from another song? which is cool!!!)

especially in the context of this post, thinking about the whole "letter to your future self" type thing... the future almost never turns out the way you think it will, huh. 

but again, that could just be me.

sotd: false pretense by the red jumpsuit apparatus