a special and spooky day

there's only a few hours left of the day, but happy halloween everyone! i had a pretty good day today. dressed up as yabuki, though i changed into a shark costume later on because it got so cold!!! how did akanishi do it...

proceed with caution.

i got to do some trick-or-treating and looked at a lot of spooky houses~ i also got to look at the water for a while. the sky was beautifully clear, and despite how dark and cold everything was, it was all...strangely comforting, for a few hours, i was just a kid dressing up for halloween and going trick-or-treating. i wasn't at the precipice of saying goodbye to anyone or anything, though it would briefly echo in the back of my mind for a moment. 

there's... a lot i feel right now. november's here already, my favorite month. usually the wait feels so long, yet here it is, as surprising as it always is. it signifies everything. penultimate. looking back before the end. nothing feels like it's changed, yet life goes on.

forgive the abruptness, but genuinely, i'm somewhat considering a gap year now, though this is due to multiple factors other than nostalgia of course.

one of these is how i feel great disconnect from the world. i study, and rest at home alone. study, rest. study, rest. any time i do something out of the ordinary-- like trick-or-treating, visiting a new café, going to the store/shopping-- i lose sense of the world around me. it's like...when something isn't part of that basic routine, it doesn't feel real. there is so much structure, anything outside of it is just a dream. a figment of my imagination. so, maybe i'm not ready. maybe i shouldn't go straight into more academia, risking burnout or a breakdown if nothing feels real. maybe i could take a gap year and get to know the way i interact with the world a little better. reawaken.

this normal will not be normal forever. no normal is every truly infinite. or, at least, that's what i hope. while life feels small sometimes, the world is still big. i haven't totally lost hope yet, though a lot seems to be pretty dismal. i'll grow and change. new normals will be created and destroyed. maybe one day, a part of my normal could be sitting on a decorated porch on halloween, handing out candy to trick-or-treaters.

anyway. i'm really not sure what song to put as the sotd for today's post. there are so many i love right now, so many that reflect what i feel as i step into november. but this one sticks, i think.

sotd: impossible by lyla foy