of either

absence, or excess? which one are you more defined by? or, are you balanced? (which i hope all of us can be someday, even if it takes a while.)

i don't recall how this question popped in my mind, but once it did i couldn't stop thinking about it. am i based off of the feelings of lack, of loss, or of too much? or am i perfectly balanced?

well, i can throw being perfectly balanced out of the window, lolz. i've always thought of myself to be defined as lack, since so much of me is made up of nostalgia and the pursuit of things that are connected to my nostalgia. what have i missed, what did i miss out on, what could i have truly never known? always trying to make up for lost knowledge, or repair the gaps.

but in a way, that's excess too, isn't it? an excess of... hollowness. an excess of obscurity, of regret and looking in the rear-view mirror. if you look in it for too often, or are solely focused on it, you can't drive. so, then, that is too much...

where is the balance? where is my balance, if they can be both? i do not know.

i guess, thinking about it for longer, there's also excesses in my behaviors. so, lack in certain perceived mental / past experiences, but excess in the physical / present world? that makes sense. but ultimately, one has to overweigh the other... hm... which one defines us more, the past or the present? or, the future? the future can define us, too, even if it doesn't exist in our current state yet.

in other news. i have a massive headache. and alongside being sick, because of this, i cannot think. like at all. i wrote this post yesterday (or saturday? can't recall), but thought i needed to add more to it, so i didn't publish it until today.

i've been looking online for a monitor, for the aforementioned hp tower. tell me why. either no one has a monitor that old, or if they are that old, that they're selling it for hundreds of dollars????!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! you're having someone pay nearly a thousand dollars. for 1gb of ram??????? make it make sense. how. why. is it scarcity? surely it's not demand. i don't. i don't get it. for some reason, i've always thought that the older a product becomes, the cheaper it should be. so, why does that end up being a parabola?

also. i just found out. kame put all of his solos, including old ones, on spotify. KIZUNA ON SPOTIFY!!!!!!!!!!!! fingers crossed the rest of kat-tun's old music can join too...

sotd: darling dolorosa