actually, briefly, snapped today. and not just snap like a chocolate might. snap, like breaking the end of a prince rupert's drop and exploding into tiny little shards everywhere.
proceed with caution.
the whole thing only really lasted for twenty minutes, but it felt like ages. and it was really weird, having so much adrenaline and rage that made my fingertips feel like they were buzzing. i don't even remember the last time i outwardly expressed so much emotion. but i guess, as it's built up for years and accelerated in recent months, it had to go somewhere. all at once, a complete turning of the inside to the out.
frankly, i feel as if it hadn't even scratched the surface.
it changed things, at least for the rest of the day. things became quieter. but i don't know what this change really means, if it means anything at all. i'm wary, but not ashamed. i used to feel ashamed for expressing any negative emotion that wasn't vague annoyance.
the weirdest thing of all, though (at least for me), was how through the entire thing, i only really wanted my sister. my older sister, who hasn't lived with us in years. who i don't even really consider myself close to, all things considered. but i don't know. i used to be, when i was very small and didn't understand much.
what does it say about me, that when i'm at such low and irreversible points, those feelings from over fifteen years ago are what i want the most?
in other news, i just got some work done today. stuff for the music magazine took up most of my day. i also got to go out and restock on some essentials. i wanted to finish up an english essay (that i even got an extension on!!!) but wasn't able to, because of... everything.
... it's raining outside. hard. i miss when there was more, for most of the season.
i miss everything.
sotd: the balcony scene by pierce the veil
6 comments:
aww, this hurts my heart. i'm so sorry to hear that yesterday was rough for you. but honestly, i understand the rage. sometimes you just have so much pent up emotion you have no choice but to let it out. i hope the rest of the day was at least a tiny bit better, seeing as things seemed to become quieter as you said. i hope you're able to see your sister soon, or at least have a chat with her.. maybe. it could possibly help a bit, and maybe you guys could become closer.
i truly hope the week improves for you, eugene. i am always here for you. ♡
i'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this, admittedly i didn't know what to say since this is the first time anyone's really said so much about my emotions before. but thank you so much. the day did get a little bit better. i haven't been able to talk to my sister yet, but i'm planning to.
so far, the week is going better :) i really appreciate you, nara. you're sososososososososoossoso kind, and i'm glad you're in my life. the same goes for you too, ok!!!!!! i'm always here for you too, if you wanna talk <3
idk if it’s too late for me to comment, but i hope things are starting to feel a little lighter for you. what you described… snapping like that, letting everything out-- it’s intense, but also v powerful >:] sometimes the feelings we shove down for years need a proper escape, and even if it’s messy, it’s proof that you’re human and that you feel deeply. holding it all in doesn’t make you strong; letting it out, even in bursts like that, shows courage.
and honestly, wanting your sister in that moment… that’s not weird at all. it’s a reminder that some connections, even quiet or distant ones, stick with us and can bring comfort when we’re raw. little moments like that, or finishing up even a bit of work, or just listening to music… those tiny anchors help you keep going. you’re doing your best, and that’s enough right now~ keep taking care of yourself eugene :3
hi koiiiiiiiiiii. it's not too late, it never is~ i'm sorry for replying late. things are feeling a little lighter now :)
and honestly... i've never really thought about any of these things in such a way. it's really reassuring and poetic, koi. and now that you mention it, i do feel more human than before. and less weird about it all. thank you so much....!!!!!!!!!!!! this new (to me) perspective is really comforting.
u keep taking care of yourself as well koi, esp since u're sick!!!!!!!!!!! pls take it easy and make a full recovery!!!!!!!!
i swear i'm going to cry reading these AAAAAAAAAAAAA ㅠㅠ i love u guys sm
i’m really glad things feel a bit lighter now!! u deserve that. and yeah… being human is weird but also kinda nice when u look at it that way :]
i’ll keep resting dw hehe. asdfghjkl we luv u too!!!! >:3
Post a Comment