crawling, scampering

ok. point blank, this is almost purely a vent post. 

lately, i've been seeing these strange little white worms / grubs in the strawberries my family buys. which is like. sure, yeah, i get it. bugs are everywhere. they love fruits.

this isn't the first time i've had to deal with worms / grubs in the home in general. one time, there was a whole hive in our rice dispenser, and my mom and i had to sift the entire thing out and clean it. another time, a whole batch hatched in the bathroom. they crawled under the soap dish and both bottles of mouthwash. it was 2am, and i was the only one awake. pure silence, pure darkness outside.

that note, being the only one awake. every single time, i'm the only person to really notice. both my parents are in their 50s, and their eyesight isn't great. my siblings are no longer at home, of course.

i don't even know how describe the way it makes me feel. i'm annoyed, i'm angry, sometimes i wonder whether or not all the experiences are real because i was the only / first person to notice. i don't know why it keeps happening to me. i'm tired of it. why am i the only person who sees everything? why does righteousness seem to fade away as you grow older? 

and this goes for so many other things, too. other things that i appear to only be aware of within the family or area at large, and yet nothing changes. i'm powerless to change it, because i'm too young to really have a say in things like that.

perhaps this is why i'm so tired all the time.

in other annoyances of the day, our morning train ride got stopped for 20 minutes. and it sort of started this cascade of thoughts, of how so many inconveniences could be so easily solved if people just made the right decisions. i know it's naïve, but how can it truly be so hard?

in rage, briefly i thought i should've just taken the 20k in debt and gone to a place i might've actually fully enjoyed and not felt so separate. live differently. been in a place that doesn't actively make me feel horrible and overload my senses. not have to wake up two hours every day before class starts. but this is the smart choice, it's practically free under scholarship. in this economy, i should save where i can. maybe it'll bring me something.

at least i have here, and now. and i need to take things one day at a time. one step at a time. 

sotd: we laugh indoors by death cab for cutie