on the windowsill

today was a good, uneventful day. i think i've figured out most of my css grievances on the new site, which is good. i have, like, one question to ask around for... but other than that, everything's good. so i can start adding content now~ 

i'm a little down right now, but somehow it's familiar.

i do not recall if i've written it here before, but prom is coming up, faster than i thought it would. frankly, i haven't felt much about the whole thing. like, oh, prom. an opportunity to dress up fancy and dance, i guess. i haven't really thought much else about it. i've been focused on my projects here, and school, and college. i have more important things at hand. which makes me sound like one of those businesspeople in old movies, huh?

well, today my family brought up the fact that they don't want me to be alone, because they want me to have a good time. understandable, and i appreciate it, really. and through the conversation, they're repeating the question that my irl friends never asked me to join them? didn't make plans with me to meet up? and i said no, not at all. it's fine. 

eventually to let the conversation rest, i say, "i just don't have friends. it's okay."

i......... 

it's a disservice to those i've kept in contact with over the years, but i don't think i'm wrong. those i'm acquainted with and consider myself close to have better friends, surely you understand? to the point that i usually feel left out. and i don't mind being the second choice. or third. or fourth. or wherever i am on the list. maybe i am first, somehow, and it's just my misconceptions.

but in any case, all the solitude helps me feel more at comfort with myself, right? time and space to understand and develop myself.

but as i repeat those words in my head, and think of how i see everyone else in their groups making plans for the whole night, i can't help but feel sad. all these thirteen years, and.........

it's okay.

in other news, the traditional japanese song sakura sakura has been stuck in my head all day for some reason. because it's spring? i don't really listen to the song often, but it kept repeating over and over. the way that lullatone plays it is very soothing to me.

sotd: puddles full of petals (of sakura) by lullatone