disappearing act

eugene is back with another daily updoodle~ and they're at the library, hehe~ they don't have a bunch of work to do, so they're sort of just chilling for now. there's also going to be a halloween splatfest later that day (and through the weekend), so they'll get to that when it comes...

to be honest, they were thinking the other day... but much too disorganized and tired to write properly about it... how easy it is to lose whimsy.

i thought it was only rose-tinted glasses of how i remembered reading as a child. whenever i read books as a kid, i'd visualize all these games and puzzles, inventions and creative thinking. fantastical worlds with creatures and flora that were totally different than ours. the pursuit of triumph over evil and saving those you loved. 

that isn't to say such doesn't exist in teen and adult books, but the way it is presented is very differently. when i picked up fantasy books as a kid, i was immersed in beautiful adventures and pursuits with friendship and whatnot. such isn't really the same-- usually the words in teen and adult books are corrupted and depraved, and it can all be so...depressing. 

sometimes i wonder if that's what turned me off of reading as i grew older, getting bored with constantly having to face evils that were all too realistic. if i wanted to read about corruption and depravity, i would just pick up the news. and maybe that's why i ultimately picked up shorter books or manga (usually shoujo) that were fun times with silly situations and surface-level drama. it may be why i love fluffy romantic dramas and anime, that show positive growth and heroic and lovable main characters. it can show that we can grow, and change, and be happy.

am i childish for feeling this way? it can be so hard to hope, but i don't want to wallow in the darkness like i did for so long. i want to believe there's something worth working for, worth living for. there is a reason my heart still beats, and there is a reason i try to find happiness in my mundane days.

or am i still naïve, still too young or stupid to understand how poor in morality this world is? i can already see it. those who view conquest and money greater than the value of human life. i see those around me constantly working and figuring out budgets to get through the month, my friends and i suffering in school and anxious about where to go. how to pay for it all, how to make a living when everything is uncertain. do i just not understand it? am i blinded by something i don't truly realize yet?

there is much to lose in this world. there is much to hate. but there is so much to love, so much to hope for. how can we preserve it, if at all? does everything ultimately wilt and decay? i hold much in my heart, but even that will cease one day. and it will disappear.

in the meantime, i will cherish. that is the best i can do, and you deserve everything. 

sotd: fall in love by phantogram