cantaloupe and lychee

good afternoooon. it's already been a week since i started this blog! middle of the week, wednesday. we started a different schedule at school today, and it's not so bad. my difficult and easy courses are evenly split between both days... is that a good thing or bad thing? i don't really get a break, but they don't suck either.

as i continue to settle into this year, my mind is becoming at least a little clearer. in this final year, i have to think about what to do with my life outside of hs, right? (which is...crazy. who knows their entire life plan at seventeen??? anyway.) just by being in ap chem, i already feel a greater pull towards english. writing, as always.

it's not that i necessarily hate ap chem, i love learning chemistry and its concepts. but, actually doing physical experiments and working in groups stresses me out? i think it's because of all that could go wrong, and all that i should protect myself from. and then my scaredy-cat mind begins to wander. ack, what if i have a papercut i don't know of? what if my hand shakes and i drop the beaker? or test tube? what if i spill boiling hot solutions over the table and on myself? on my teammates? i could reason to myself that this is similar to baking and i have no reason to worry, but it's also not. i'm not working with copper ii sulfate when i bake in my home kitchen!

but, when it comes to this world, the sciences make more money, unless you get lucky. including all other things about who i am, the demographics i fit, could i truly be successful doing what i love? or would it have to be a side hustle?

actually, i don't like the idea of side hustles sometimes. at its most pervasive, it turns everything you love into a job, just to grind and make more money. feed into capitalistic dreams that are falling apart at the seams in this day and age. i don't want to write or bake and fall out of love with it because of how it conflicts with my main job, or because it's not making enough money to pay itself back. i just want to make people happy, damn it!

the work market is strange, at least as a kid. 

but, support local business. in a way, they are pushing against the creeping growth of corporations, serving the community in ways that truly matter. do what you love without worrying about how to make it practical and useful. it already has use-- to make you happy.

(wait... why did i title this cantaloupe--)

sotd: designer skyline by owl city