expectation vs. reality

another post, so soon? yes. i have a lot to say... except now i'm going into boring stuff again and talking about college. let's get into it.

so, i went to a little college open house with my mom and sister the other day, right? we didn't stay for all of the tours, because tbh i had already looked at what i was interested in and the rest i could find online, but. we went. 

and to be honest, i've just been thinking about how i don't really have a college that stands out to me yet? like, i know i want to go. i want to learn as much as i can about english, and writing, and the evolution of how we use language, but... i don't know where. i've gone on three tours now, and done a lot of research, but none of them really pop out to me (and i don't think i'll get accepted to most), and considering the demographics i fit, i don't really have a lot of places i see myself comfortable in. and obviously, there's money too, and i don't want to cause myself and my family great financial pain...

i don't know. maybe this means something? i love to learn, but this country has set up so many barriers it's all a total crapshoot to me now. it's all about money, and competition. learning is beautiful, and highly valued indeed. but it does not deserve to be placed behind gold bars, or set on ledges so high only the privileged and lucky can reach. everyone should learn. everyone should love to learn, regardless of what they're learning. i see so many people that love to learn around me, and it hurts knowing that doing so also causes us great stress.

heck, i used to love going to school. i loved absorbing new things and practicing them. i adored (and still adore) reading, writing, figuring out problems. but it's just become so hard and tedious now. it has begun to lose meaning, and i hate that it's losing meaning because everything is so beautiful. but it's all a system now. it's all for selfish interests and trying to get a leg up in life. those above gouge on the hopes of the youth, only lining their own pockets while students suffer and stress. why does anyone think we should live this way? it's so miserable.

i'm sorry. this is probably nothing new. but it will never stop being tragic.